Hey. I’m Author. I’m rebooting this blog.

I haven’t broken into this blog’s previous owner’s house, shot them in the head and nicked their online accounts. I’m still me. I’m quietly me now though. I run another blog in this style, over at Report To The Dancefloor, music themed. I don’t speak for who I am, I just share my opinions.

I was combing through old shit of mine and I found this blog still standing. I’ve had old YouTube channels that are now dead, but writing remains something I have a passion for. So, I paused with this blog. I deleted some old posts, I’ve edited my name out of them, I removed the fucking podcast I started for this blog, and now I think I’m ready to blog about games again.

Come here for completely biased and unfiltered opinions on games from an anonymous source. Maybe I’m a sixty year old woman from Spain, maybe I’m a five year old from… Tokyo. Who lives in space.
I don’t care. You, also, probably don’t care. You want game reviews? Maybe. You want semi-long, rambly posts about these interactive experiences I love so much? Sure thing.

See you around.


LittleBigPlanet 3

I’m fresh from hearing this. I just read a tweet from Media Molecule, and I think I might be about to cry. So if you didn’t know, I am a huge fan of Media Molecule. I think that their games are perfect, which is a silly thing to say when talking about art. However, with LittleBigPlanet 2 tying for my favourite game of all time, it’s safe to say that I am a humongous fan of LittleBigPlanet, as well. But the thing is, Mm Studios announced no further work on their part would go into the series. And I was fine with that. It ended on a high for me. But it didn’t end at all. Media Molecule aren’t one for keeping hold of their creations. See Rag Doll Kung Fu: Fists of Plastic, LittleBigPlanet Vita, PSP, Karting. Oh, and LittleBigPlanet 3. Wait, what was that last one? I haven’t been keeping up with E3. The first day (day 0?) was the day before I had exams, and as it leaked into 2am, I couldn’t really see the Sony conference, which is the one I wanted to see. Since Tuesday, I have acknowledged Surgeon Simulator for PS4, PlayStation TV (nothing new, really), and now LittleBigPlanet 3. I wrote a blog post about why I didn’t want this game, and as it’s not developed by Media Molecule, I really, really don’t want it. So, I won’t bore you with why I don’t want it again, I’ll just say this.

Mark, Kareem, Alex, David.

Please, stop giving your games to side companies. No one can do LittleBigPlanet as well as you can, and I know this from experience. It pains me to see this game announced, and I am genuinely sad right now.

Guys, I have to get to bed, sorry for the three month gap, life has been so weird in that time. I’d promise content, but I’d never live up to it.

-Author, pre-reboot

Flappy Bird

This post doesn’t include a method of how to get flappy bird. But before you leave, know that the developer doesn’t want you to play it any more.

Right, that’s the idiots gone, now there should only be sensible people, either people who don’t play the game (or never have) and people who do, but want to hear my point. I will start now.

Hello there.
So if you know me personally you might be aware of my hatred of the game that this post is quite clearly about. I have played it, I think it’s ridiculous. It’s an insult to what gaming is, and I respect the developer’s decision to pull it from the app stores. He got a lot of mixed messages from it, and having created e-weed, reserved the right to step out of the spotlight. Today I felt like seeing what his incentives to take it away really were. Exactly like I suspected. So what do you need to know?
The developer is called Dong Nguyen.
Flappy Bird is an extremely additive game previously available on Android and iOS.
It’s addiction comes in simple controls, and evil gameplay.
It was taken off of Google Play and the App Store on the 9th of February. It had millions of downloads.
No players seem to have any respect for the developer, and some idiots have made it available on the internet.
There is excessive use of the word fuck in this post.
Fuck the people who have spent their own money on disobeying Nguyen, creating websites to make money off of his creation. It’s more than theft.
Fuck the people who are downloading there versions of the game.
Fuck the people making clones of it with near identical titles and completely identical gameplay.
Fuck the people who think I’m wrong but don’t have evidence to back them up.
Don’t fuck Nguyen. Unless you are his partner.
In my opinion, flappy bird was fine when it was on the app store. It didn’t go the way of the thieving cunts that are (not having the balls to charge for the ‘game’, so slowing down the gameplay to impossibility unless you pay and pay and pay and pa- you get the idea), it was just another addictive game taking over the app store. It had a free version with advertisements, and a cheap paid version without. I won’t deny, when I first saw and heard someone play it, I thought ‘oh no’, and that my language might have been stronger if told I ‘had to play it’. But it didn’t upset me until something I completely agree with happened, quite controversially.
So Nguyen takes it off of the app store. I hear the next day. Everyone is annoyed, how dare the owner take it away from the customer, blah blah who gives a shit. I heard multiple stories about why it had gone, suicides, making too much money, so all kinds of stuff. Looking it up later, I found the proper answer to why it was no more. Simply put, Nguyen didn’t like the stress of having the attention of millions that greeted him whenever he switched on his computer. I understand that completely. The problem is how he handled it. There was no ‘please don’t play the game’. I can’t find a comparison that isn’t cancer, so I’ll leave it. He simply took away the main source, and left the devices with it on. So like anything addictive taken away, flappy bird was made available illegally. Websites have been created to allow downloads of the apk (Android installation file) and ipa (iOS installation file) for anyone with 1 megabyte of internet to use. And to be fair, if you haven’t been told why you shouldn’t download it, you aren’t really in the wrong. The utter dickwads are the ones making these websites. It’s not the piracy I care about. It’s that these people are ignorant. Congratulations, Nguyen can take legal action against you. I hope he does. Should’ve read the small print.
And finally, I will address a little piece to the man himself.

What have you done?
I’m joking, just learn your lesson from this experience. Over 50 million hits in 9 months would scare the shit out of me. Yes, you fucked up. Yes, you might not hear the end of it. But you know what? Hold your head high. I want to see proper games come from .GEARS Studios. Just remember to explain your motives for big actions, it won’t be obvious any more.
-Author, pre-reboot

Games get me into things, and what I want from a game.

Ohai. It’s been a while. I have a nice topic to share with you today.

I love how merely playing a game can get you into so many things. Music for example. In Grand Theft Auto V, there are ‘radio stations’. Unlike normal radio stations, these loop tracks infinitely. If I can’t be bothered to change a stolen car’s radio, I will listen to anything handed to me. I’ve listened to everything from songs about ‘the hood’ to ‘wild west’ music to Spanish electronic music. It’s fascinating how much broader your tastes can get by watching that movie that everyone is on about, paying attention to a large topic on the news, or even just playing a video game. I’m not an expert on how brains work, far from it, but if I hadn’t heard someone say that they thought brains were awesome, then realised who was telling them that, I might also call them awesome. Preferences are great, they allow for delicious discussions, and a better idea of what you want.
So what do I want in a game? I want one of two things, or both.
I want story that can and will punch me in the face after, make me feel ecstatic, then make me ecstatic again. I want to be sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for the next thing to surprise me. I want to have an emotional connection to the characters, so that I feel like crying when there is a slightly sad moment, and vice versa for slightly happy moments. I am fine with abandoning good graphics, orchestral soundtracks, if there is a good story.
I also want fantastic gameplay. If it is a racing game, allow me to slam my car or bike into a wall repeatedly, with a dent of an increasing size. If it is an adventure game, give me a gorgeous world to play with and explore. In a puzzle game, add twists at the last minute to make me fail brutally, and feel like it was completely my fault.
And what don’t I want?
Nearly nothing. I don’t want broken mechanics, huge bugs, failed attempts at HD graphics, a feeling of being uncomfortable, or a feeling of playing a very unfinished piece of tat.
I especially don’t like torture in games. But that’s a post for another day, Grand Theft Auto. Spoilers: I forgive it for the rest of the game.
-Author, pre-reboot

My Week With A PlayStation Vita


Hello there.
So as the title suggests for this week I have had hold of a Sony PlayStation Vita. It’s rather good.
On Boxing Day I headed to the GAME website and ordered a Vita bundle, with the Vita, Tearaway, LittleBigPlanet Vita (which unfortunately has disappointed me greatly, besides giving me back a slightly shittier version of the LBP2 create mode, which I am enjoying), and a 16 GB PlayStation Vita memory card. I received the Vita last Monday, the 30th, and unboxed it on camera. I still have to get round to editing the video. I quickly found that, true to their word, the games were digital, and so had to be downloaded, so I only got hold of a good game by 6 PM. However, I amused myself with some smaller games that came with the AR cards. When Tearaway finally downloaded, I started it. I’ll keep my opinion of that to the review, but I’d finished it in two sessions, the first being five hours, and the second being about one. Then on Saturday at 11:46 PM I got the platinum trophy. I am very proud of that. Never got a platinum before. But the Vita.

The PlayStation Vita has impressed me. It’s not as good as I thought it would be, in terms of experience and ease of use, but it is still brilliant. The screen was slightly disappointing, I could see pixels, and there was obviously no anti aliasing, but if I was properly immersed I could ignore it. The features of the console are a little bit strange, the rear touch pad is far too large, it is obviously supposed to be the same size as the screen, and Tearaway wouldn’t work if it was smaller, but when you make a rear touch pad you need to think about where people are going to grip it. The number of times I’ve brushed it with my palm, trying desperately to cling to the tiny grips (which is excruciating by the way, cramp like never before) and made an unintentional move, probably screwing me over massively is too high. You simply cannot hold a Vita in a comfortable way. It’s always going to need to be put down, unless you want to bandage your fingers, which would, thinking about it, stop it accidentally triggering things.
The front touch is rather atrocious as well. I have made countless typos with the keyboard, and navigating it with buttons takes far longer than on the PSP. You don’t have to touch the screen at all, it will work from half a centimeter away, and that’s a very poor feature. Even when I touch the screen, and in the right place, sometimes it simply doesn’t register. And that sucks. It’s certainly more than I expected of this. Games still don’t know how to use touch, so I think you’d be safe to keep touch controls in the mobile market, Sony.

So where it fails, it fails massively. So what of the good things?
Well, it’s a portable console, and so when you’re pooping on the go, it will be your friend. Also anywhere you can’t take a TV. It has a PSP emulator, so you can now sell your old PSP and physical games, or you could keep it as a media player. It has a right analog stick (and yes, they are not nubs any more, woo!), so you can move the camera (in Vita games) finally. You can watch YouTube, go on Omegle, there is even a shitty Facebook app. Also I’ve heard it’s a good platform to look for indie games on. Media Molecule understand what it is, and they use its every feature almost perfectly. It runs at around 2 GHz, which is faster than my laptop (or would be if my laptop wasn’t currently a little overclocked), and games run better on it than my laptop. It is the only console that can play Minis well, as it has good processing power like the PS3, and flash storage like the PSP. You can take screenshots.

I could go on and on, but I won’t, what I will say, is if you have £150 lying around (sure someone will), head to and pick up that bundle whilst you still can.
Oh, and Uncharted: Golden Abyss is shit.
-Author, pre-reboot

Things To Do Whilst Waiting For A PlayStation Vita

Or any exciting package that is. Hehe.

Hello there,

So on Boxing Day I ordered a PlayStation Vita, and it didn’t come the next day, didn’t come the day after, and today is Sunday, so it didn’t come today either. However, today I’ve been keeping my mind off of it by doing some things.

Here is your shopping list.

Internet. (You’ll need this for general browsing, as well as some other things)

A printer. (You’ll need this for papercraft)

Scissors and glue. (See above)

Daniel Hardcastle. Hire him for his comedy. Or just subscribe to him and his dad on YouTube. OfficialNerdCubed and OfficialDadCubed.

LittleBigPlanet Soundtrack. You can’t buy this, so be very careful.

A WordPress Blog. You’ll write two blog posts in one day, about games and waiting.

A tab open with the Wikipedia page of the thing you’re waiting for.

The Media Molecule website, for research on the first blog post, the Tearaway Media Kit, and to find the plans for a Papercraft Elk.

Things to do:

Sleep until very nearly noon.

Construct another Papercraft Elk, but make it out of the Tearaway banner that can be found in the Tearaway Media Kit, whilst listening to the LittleBigPlanet Soundtrack. Take until 2 with this.

Write a blog post about why you don’t want LittleBigPlanet 3. Take an hour.

Write another blog post with a list of things to do whilst waiting for an exciting package, started with a stupid joke. Play all the Tearaway trailers in the background.

Finish the blog post how you usually do, and think of other things to do.

-Author, pre-reboot

Why I don’t want a LittleBigPlanet 3


Hello there,

You’ve seen the title of the post, so I’ll just get into it.

LittleBigPlanet is a series created by Media Molecule, spun off by Cambridge Studio, Tarsier (along with Double Eleven), and United Front Games. It’s a game that 9 year old me stared at in amazement in late 2008 when my brother had gotten the original for Christmas. It was the pinnacle of gaming and if you didn’t own a copy of it, you sucked. It won countless awards, and I can’t resist having a quick go at create mode of 2 when the opportunity presents itself. The first one combined story, narration, level design, and public creation tools perfectly, with the right amounts of everything. So it ticked all the boxes I made for it. I even made a website about it once, but then I stopped loving it as much because I made it five years after LBP2 came out. There are five LBP games in total, two PS3 versions, excluding the god awful Karting version (also on PS3), LittleBigPlanet PSP, which nearly made me cry, and LittleBigPlanet Vita, which I shall try tomorrow, should I be able to tear myself away from Tearaway.

And why don’t I think they should make another one?

Well, LittleBigPlanet 1 and 2 were amazing to play. Media Molecule took things we thought gaming were and chucked them in the bin. Media Molecule made a platformer a platform for people to make games with, and even they didn’t know what it was. But I’m done with having my socks blown off, my feet are cold, and I don’t know what to do. I think I’m done with thinking the sun shines out of Mm’s arse, not that they can’t amaze me with other games, anyone who’s heard me talking about Tearaway knows that. But I think that I’m ready to place Sackboy on my game shelf and say ‘Right, what’s next?’. Because I don’t want to keep believing that just because it’s a LittleBigPlanet game that I should love it. Because I’ve seen that Media Molecule have twice handed their IP to someone else and let them grow another game on it, and so far only Mm know how to make a LittleBigPlanet game in my experience. (Having said that, I want to see how Tarsier have handled it) I’ve seen that they will hold their child in the air for all to see, but I don’t want Sackboy to be in their hands next time, because I don’t want such an amazing character to be hurt by another dev again.

Tearaway, I hope I don’t have to write this post again for you. You seem amazing, keep you that way.

-Author, pre-reboot

I’m going to get a Vita

Merry Christmas, everyone.

So this morning I rushed downstairs to help with presents, and have a bit of a photo shoot. I took some pictures, sat down, and waited for my brothers to stir. When they eventually did as a result of being poked by my dad, I handed everything out and we started.
Now, I’ve spend the last 8 months saving for a TV, and I’m finally there, so I decided that before I go and start saving for a PC, I’m gonna get a PlayStation Vita. This is a result of me nearly crying when I first saw the Tearaway trailer about a week ago. Also there are some games on the Vita that look really promising, so I’m very happy with my decision.
Also I finished Portal 2. Space.
Ho ho ho.
-Author, pre-reboot